4 AM Self [Hatred] Portrait

don't take the title too seriously... or the following sentence.

4am hits hard when you're an artist, and you hate yourself.

It took a few days to post this one because, you know... nvm I actually don't know. I guess. I think I got distracted. Slept after drawing, woke the next day to its presence, took pictures, filed it away for after coffee.... inevitably forgot.

That date is supposed to be 04/18/2026... but when I was writing it, I was thinking about 420 and accidentally wrote 04/20/2026 at first.

I think because it was close to 4:20am when I was done, and, of course, 420 is fast approaching.

On the other side of that, I think it's interesting how was can perceive ourselves.

On one of my worst nights of overthinking, terrible self esteem, 2 nights of not sleeping, and a period that rocked me into perpetual body aches, hunger, headaches, and exhaustion, I was fuckin' done.

Clearly.

I don't... really look like this (I don't think) but on this night I definitely felt like I did. Maybe I really did. I don't know.

The night is sneaky and dark in many ways. And so is the brain. Even now, it is 12:34am, and I am exhausted, and wavy.

I saw a video recently that said, "when you get your own place, nobody warns you about the night. Everything is fine and cool during the day... and the night comes." And I laughed from deep within my guts because that is... absolutely correct.

But I often get insomnia, anyway, soooooooooooo

... I try hard to regulate it, but it takes very little to send my brain chemistry out of wack, therefore causing a large bout of sleeplessness.

What set off the insomnia this time?

Thoughtful pause

Contemplative voice ....I don't know.

I can vaguely recall it having to do with feelings of loneliness, hopelessness [not in a dark way. everyone, calm down], feeling pathetic and stupid and creature-esque in nature.

Mix that with finally not feeling in pain, after a long day of jaw tension, muscle pain, headache, and fatigue and WOOOOOOO, boy, you've got yourself one fuelled up sleepless-rocket there, bud.

The night is excellent for the pain symptoms to just magically draft away, and it can cause me to want to stay up all night and take advantage of the better feeling: the semi-absence of pain. Even if I'm introspective or sad.

Would you believe that this drawing started because I wanted to draw a hand? Yeah... it's all started with the hand, and when I finished that ridiculous Ralph Steadman wannabe hand, I saw the flesh it was sinking into and thought, "Oh, Wow. Soft. Oh how to capture. Sculptures, stone to flesh. When did this even happen?"

And then I saw the lines etching deeply and the dark circles bagging and resentful skin threateningly sagging and how much I've scowled and the eyes... so lovingly staring back at me.

When I reached trying to sketch the chaotic snakes and horns of hair sprouting the surroundings of my face--with the exception of that one stupid strand--I knew it was time to stop.

I gave myself an arm to lean on, to hold up the Other--Alternative, Replicant, the looking glass guest--after we developed this "portrait" together.

Goodnight.